MORE
Join me for the ride as my book, MORE: A Memoir of Open Marriage, is released into the world.
In April of 2019, as I sat during my morning meditation, an idea came to me. I would write a memoir about open marriage—a story that would connect my own experience to my mother’s. I had only been practicing Transcendental Meditation for about four months, and this was the first (but not the last) time an idea, fully formed, had come to me in this way. It felt somehow to be more than an idea—almost like a premonition. (Cue the woo-woo sound effect.)
There were lots of reasons that this idea was—how do I put it?—totally insane. For one, I did not consider myself a “real” writer. In my mind, history curriculum and the songs I wrote as part of my guitar duo didn’t count. Furthermore, how could I possibly write about such a personal experience when my own son (our youngest) wasn’t aware of my polyamorous lifestyle? How could I “out” my parents, who had kept their open marriage a secret for over 40 years? The obstacles were numerous and seemingly insurmountable. And so, I tried to put the idea of writing a book out of my mind. But like my husband’s ex-girlfriend at our wedding reception, the idea just wouldn’t go away. And the “obstacles” began dropping like flies.
First, my son found out about our open marriage. He had plenty of questions, and a fair amount of anxiety, but my husband and I talked it through with him. And ultimately, his knowledge of this aspect of my life was freeing. If I could come out as open to my son, I discovered, I could reveal my truest self to anyone.
Next I approached my parents about the possibility of a book. They too had questions. They too felt anxious. What would the neighbors think? What about their grandsons? Might I consider waiting to write this book until after they were dead? But eventually, through lots of honest dialogue, we agreed: Our stories are important. As Esther Perel noted in her 2017 book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, models of successful open marriages are lacking in our culture. And although I’d come across many stories about polyamory in podcasts and magazine articles, or depicted on television, nothing I’d seen or heard came close to representing either my own experience or that of my parents. When I talked to friends and even casual acquaintances about open marriage, interest in my story was immediate and strong. I began to realize that the lessons I’ve learned through my non-monogamous journey—about self-discovery, about motherhood, about love—apply equally to monogamous people, too. So now, four and a half years later, I am getting ready for the publication of my book, MORE: A Memoir of Open Marriage (Doubleday, January 16, 2024).
In this Substack, I’d like to invite the interested—and the morbidly curious—to come along on the next leg of this journey. I’ve never published a book before. And I’ve never shared such deeply revealing pieces of myself. (Although I didn’t wait for my parents to die, I did write this memoir as if they had.) A friend of mine recently commented, “This book coming out is like you’re heading into the spotlight—but without any clothes on.”
Every other week (or more frequently if something terrible / great / both happens), I’ll share what’s going on—with the book, with my life, and with reactions to my story, which are bound to a) be visceral, and b) run the gamut from delighted to horrified. So please buckle your seatbelts, make some popcorn, and join me for the ride by subscribing below!